|
|
Friday, December 2nd, 2005
|
|
|
|
I am so sick of talking with everyone
|
|
|
Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
|
|
|
I never realized all of the secret little journals i had for live journal, its kid of interesting to see what i thought i could keep private.
where do i start?
this was one hell of a summer... i dont remember much of the begining, I was very depressed, and i actually showed it. carolyn and chris started going out in february of last year, the day before chris birthday which also falls on valentines day. They are the ultimate couple, he is what shes always needed and she is what hes always wanted. its pretty amazing to see some people so perfect for eachother.
Marching band was a tough year because we sucked pretty bad. its a " regrouping " year for us, and we really felt it. the trip to NYC was pretty awesome though andi had alot of fun, we saw alot, even the blue man group which was pretty amazing.
In august, exactly five months ago today a candle in my room caught my house on fire, it was a summer day and i was cleaning my room and lit the candle for the sense. I ended up going downstairs and investigators figured the candle caught fire to a curtain or something. We lost everything upstairs. it was probably in my top 3 things of most devestating things ever. This was all in the midst of my depression where half of my mind was telling me that i didnt need anyone. But so many people came to my familys help carolyn chris and keato were there for me in hours, ready to do what ever it took to comfort me. They are my angels, they're family is my god family. It was amazing. the first night i stayed the night at carolyns, i cried alot, but amazingly they got me to laugh too, i love them, so much i dont know if they will ever understand what they mean to me.
the next day, carolyn and keato told sean, he stopped by my house as soon as he got out of football practice. but i wasnt home. it was pretty amazing to see all of these people ready to just be there for me. later on sean stopped by with casey and dave, i walked them around our house...which is hard for me to describe what it looked like. they stayed for dinner, and thats probably when i fell in love with sean. he made me feel so good. it was so weird. anyways that night we had to stay in a hotel, i needed to leave so i went for a walk to the river, where i weirdly enough ran into jp eric casey and dave, they walked the river with me, and eventually to hearings landing where i told JP shag of the news. it was such a long night. The next morning carolyn and keato showed up at the hotel with breakfest for freddy and i, my parents has already gone out to the house. they fed us and just hung out with me for awhile. Freddy and i ended up packing our things out and moving into my aunts, keato and care took me out on carolyns boat and to the park for the day to kind of get my mind of things. they are my angels.
that night sean and the boys walked to my aunts house, I really really like him.
they are so nice..
the rest of the weeks following are pretty much a blurr, school started i believe on the first of september, the same day we moved into this little house a mile in the city from the old one.
My uncle from rochest is an architect and helped us design our house which is already being re built.
recently with jon his girlfriend he fell in love with broke up jsut days shy of their one year. i havent talked to him much but when i do i try to just make him laugh,
sean has been my biggest thing lately, ive been trying hard to let him know how much i like him, but ironically at the same time he has fallen for another girl, just my luck, just my luck. new years eve at his house i was for sure was going to be a great turning point, but i was wrong just the other night at his hosue he was having a party and i told him ive liked him forever and all he could say was he was sorry. it hurt me just to see him upset, i just want him happy.
school is okay this year, im really excited that we're half way through it.. carolyn and keato have been fighting non stop, but i cant be in the middle anymore.
ill write again, much sooner i promise,
|
|
|
|
|
some say that time changes best friends can become strangers but i don't want that no, not for you if you just stay with me, we can make it through here we are again the same old argument and i'm wondering if things'll ever change, yeah when will you laugh again? laugh like you did back when? we'd make noise til 3 AM and the neighbors would complain..
|
|
|
Friday, February 20th, 2004
|
|
|
|
latley things have been insane, not so much in a bad way.. but its okay.
Plans latley have sucked, alot but were starting to get back into the swing of things..
Alot of thins emotionally have been going on - learning from my past im trying harder then even to not turn away or become a complete shy-ass when it comes to emotions. I shared something with some one so amazing a few weeks ago ever. He was blown away, but.. i still regret not being able to say things like that in person or.. say it at all. I cant help it. I did, finally and .. idk it felt so good and so right. Yet its still extreamly hard for me to say it again. I hope, i know.. nevermind. As much as it would be cool for him to write something ive realized that its not fair, hes able to tell me things.. and the only reason why i write it all is because i cant. O well i didnt mean to tell him he should write something because i dont have anything. Shit yeah - i didnt mean to, hes said so much and its .. its so ... meaningfull to me i hope he knows that, i love him. alot.x 10.
I think social wise there are some rough spots nothing to drastic.. i mean yeah there are somethings that just kinda suck. But hey i have other things to make up for it. Billy and i have grown pretty close shit if ppl saw us in school were practically up eachothers ass between 6th and 9th period. And things with Care and all of those wonderfolks couldnt be anybetter. Really Music has opened up my social out look on life. ( to think i used to regret being in orchy ) really ive met so many amazing ppl.. ppl that some kids will never meet or understand. I thank the good ol' guy above for all of that. Speaking of him - confermation this year - amazing or what? i cant wait.. just one more month. Thank god Mara is my sponser shes coming in from wisconsin and everything. Im so happy, and its city wide so all of us will be making it together :) yay!
Theres a few other ghost like friends from the past that have popped up lately. Im really injoying getting to know them again and seeing how much they've all changed alot.. I like it alot. Theres this one- we show so many same intrests. I always so something in him.. and i think about him alot <3
Anxiety- Its been kind of bad latley.. its not all anxiety more bi polar/ depression. But im trying to keep myself up. Care and all of them make life so fun for me. We cant stop laughing... We enjoy life when were all together. Tonight Meggie-Keato-care and i are all going out for a dinner a movie night! let the good times role. Negative sleep started to kick my butt, and it didnt help my sinus cold one bit! i was out for a good two days this week. With more then enough time to let my mind ponder. Eh o well.. im okay.. im okay.. -
<<33 Ill write again soon <<33
|
|
|
Friday, January 9th, 2004
|
|
|
this could be the final night.
theres no return.
|
|
|
Friday, January 2nd, 2004
|
| Time: | 1:59 am. |
| Mood: |  blank. | | Music: | appleseed cast - fishing the sky. |
|
we talked tonight,
i spilled my guts out.
and told you i was sorry,
you said.. i care, and calm down.
i told you.. i was sorry again and that i missed you
and you told me about this new girl, and your 5 hour long convos with her, and i said i remember.
and you said you remembered when you first called,
and that you remembered when we first met.
i told you i love you
and you said you loved me to..
Like a sister.... like a sister.
something undescribable.
ah. I love you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
tonight one of the kids i used to be obsessed with, someone everything thinks is hott.
one of the hottest guys is school
came to my house with some other friends, from 7 till 12.
i was in heaven,
i mean in complete heaven.
this is what he told me friend
Him: i can't believe i haven't really known her until now
the: shes cool
hottie: her room's the fucking shit
<3
|
|
|
Thursday, January 1st, 2004
|
| Time: | 1:40 am. |
| Mood: |  discontent. | | Music: | got my list - one line drawing. |
|
i had the time of my life,
i was able to do everything i envied you for.
for myself, with out the troubles,
and it was just as fun.
and i hung out with someone i would have never imagined i would have, and hes amazing.
and again the one i love..
is drunk tonight,
telling me things he wont remember
promising things.. he cant keep
and i care talk to him
knowing its really not him talking.
he didnt say he missed me.
im not whats on him mind,
but he read my away mesg and knew what it was about..
maybe his mind is somewhat there..
maybe its not just the beer.
_----_
Him: interestnig away message
Auto response from me:
Waking up,
From this nightmare.
How's your life?
Whats it like there?
Is it all?
What you wanted it to be?
Does it hurt?
When you think about me?
If noones around.
You know that i'll catch you,
When your falling down.
We came together,
But you left alone.
And I know how it feels,
To walk out on your own.
Maybe someday,
I'll see you again.
You'll look into my eyes,
And call me your friend. - empty apt. hidden in plain view.
i know you remember somewhere,
but anyways happy new year, so another one begins, when the last hasnet come to a complete close yet, its okay..its okay.
|
|
|
Sunday, December 28th, 2003
|
|
|
why am i acting so devestated,
so many ppl have just, ignored me this week,
the one person i cared for so much.
ignored my birthday
and has eyes for someone else.
teenage infatuation kills me.
how does this happen..
everyone iv done things for
have just walked over me,
am i still here..
what do i do, where do i go?
why arent you here,
theres no one. no one.
|
|
|
Saturday, December 27th, 2003
|
| Time: | 6:38 pm. |
| Mood: |  anxious. | | Music: | live - i alone. |
|
you promised me something,
so estonishing,
you would changed who you are, for someone like me you said.
i had so many doubts before, that you would change,
but then we would talk and it woulod be okay again, we were wonderful.
now its the complete oppisite,
i pretend that were okay, that were gonna last,
i dont know, i really dont.
i talk to you and it just makes it worse.
where do i go from here?
|
|
|
Friday, December 26th, 2003
|
| Time: | 5:21 pm. |
| Mood: |  calm. | | Music: | agenda suicide - the faint.. |
|
i remember, after everything that year, you two still looked at me and said " i love you ". The way you should, unconditional love. After everything i had put you two through.
there was no, punishment? nothing.
this year you all kind of ignored me. just passing me by.
My birthday was nothing to you this year.
and the one person i love. Unconditionaly, didnt call to say happy birthday. he had forgotten.
even with all of the thoguhts of why, how and what does this mean, i realized its nothing that would make me not love him. this shows me how hard but simple it is to love someone after they do things to you. your love is still there unconditionaly.
and its amazing.
thank you for loving me.
I love you.
|
|
| Time: | 12:05 am. |
| Mood: | anxious. | | Music: | somewhat silent tv in the other room. |
|
so ill try this and see where i goes,
just as a release for me.
from everyone.
everyone that has lied,
or faked giving a damn about me.
this is for all of them.
background work goes to http://spin.iridescentglow.com/canvas.html
awesome work.
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
fallen_portrait's journal